March 2024 | Part II: Interview with Fran Carbonaro, Vocal Coach, Songwriter, Poet + Middle East Peace
Middle East Peace
What is the Path to Peace?
Tara Brach, a leading mindfulness teacher, is interviewed by Assaf Katz an Israeli activist and Buddhist teacher. She shares very deeply about herself including her insights into the current situation and our role and responsibilities. I found it very relevant to our current polarized situation in the US.
Gaza Besieged, Jews Divided, & a World in Pain:
Gabor, Aaron, & Daniel Maté in Conversation
I needed to watch this conversation at two different times. Perhaps, three would have been better. I found it painful. I also learned from it.
The ongoing killing of Palestinians by the Israeli government and military makes me sick physically and emotionally. I was given a dream on January 1st that told me clearly about trauma, “…how important it is to keep it a small clip, and not try to do more than one’s nervous system can handle.” Taking care of oneself such as watching/listening/reading the news less often, breathing deeply in (to a count of 4) and slowly out (to a count of 6), feeling the Earth’s support when walking, sitting, or lying down, are a few ways to make friends with one’s parasympathetic nervous system and to be grounded in a non-reactive place so that one’s deeper self may be heard.
ALLMEP (Alliance for Middle East Peace) published a Special Issue in their Fathom Journal. Below are some articles and two podcasts: Echoes of Home with Masim Alwasri from Gaza, and Two States — One Homeland with May Pundak. Both Wasim and Mary were mentioned in February’s Newsletter.
A Multilateral and Bottom-Up Approach to End the Israeli-Palestinian Tragedy
By John Lyndon
Empowering Tomorrow’s Leaders: The Intersection of Youth, Political Engagement, and Intergenerational Responsibility
By Wasim Almasri
Standing Together is forging Jewish-Palestinian solidarity for peace
By Dina Kraft – Profiling Sally Abed
Why it’s time for the UK to lead multilateral support for Israeli-Palestinian civil society peacebuilding
By Rachael Liss
Reconstruction and Renewal in Gaza, Two Scenarios
By Kamal Mashharawi
How my Israeli and Palestinian friends want you to talk about them
By Avi Meyerstein
Fathom Interview: Givat Haviva
Fathom Interview: Arava Institute for Environmental Studies
Fathom Interview: How October 7th and the war in Gaza have transformed the peacebuilding field
Groundwork Podcast – “Two States, One Homeland” and “Echoes of Home”
Interview with Fran Carbonaro
Vocal Coach, Song Writer, Poet
Fran’s Caregiving—A Love Story
Part II
Whenever Alan would go into anger or rage, I knew he couldn’t help it, and it helped me to understand that my father couldn’t help it either. So, I carry no more animosity toward my father. Only forgiveness and only forgiveness toward Alan for when he was unkind.
I asked a dying man to marry me. We were spiritually married in late February 2020 by Ruah Bull. [Ed. Note: In this small world of ours, you’ll find one of Ruah’s poems in January’s newsletter under Middle East Poems.] I also met with an elder law attorney, regarding the ethical aspect of legal marriage. She asked me many questions about Alan and then told me that while there were many contracts that would not be legally binding, under the circumstances, this one would be. We were legally married in June 2020. Alan was happy to know he would be taken care of and that I would be there through the end. He had written some lovely vows for the spiritual marriage, which we also used for the legal one, five months later.
Even though these were challenging times, we were very devoted to each other. What made our journey particularly challenging, was it all happened during the pandemic. One feels isolated enough when caring for a spouse who is terminally ill and has Alzheimer’s. The covid lockdown compounded this for us. So, we learned to “play” together. Alan could be very goofy and playful at times. These were my favorite times, of course!
Fran shared a video of Alan, taken on June 14th, Fran’s birthday:
Alan: You’re so beautiful and you love everybody.
Fran: Do you know how much I love you?
Alan: A lot.
Fran: And I always will, always.
Alan: No matter what?
Fran: No matter what.
When I met Alan, he wouldn’t even take an Advil and he was in (what I thought was) relatively good health…until it all started falling apart during that summer of 2017. What followed was a rather rapid slide down. He was accepted into Hospice care in January 2022, which was a relief to me. Everything we needed to manage his care was delivered to our home. He was prescribed medication for both pain and anxiety, supplemented by his own use of cannabis.
It was an exhausting journey for me, as much psychologically as physically, because I had to be “on” 24/7. I didn’t ask for help until six months before Alan died when I applied for and received a few grants from Redwood Caregivers Resource Center to help fund respite time for myself. Alan’s oldest son and I had worked together while Alan lived in Bodega (November 2012 to August 2020) before Alan moved in. So, I was functioning as his caregiver even before he lived here. He didn’t have a car for eight months, so I’d pick him up and he’d spend three or four days at a time here. I was grateful for the regular support from Alan’s kids.
I asked him many times, Would you like to move in? Alan was having trouble keeping track of things. One day, he said, “I can’t do this anymore.” His oldest son helped him move in. Alan was very concerned about Ted, his cat, who was used to an indoor/outdoor life. We got a leash with a halter! The first month was difficult because Ted was used to jumping on kitchen counters. I used a spray bottle to prevent this, which created tension between us. Now Ted is 19 and mostly wants to be inside. We have deeply bonded.
There were some challenging behaviors around the Alzheimer’s, for example, taking meds, especially at night when we were both tired. Alan would challenge me, You’re not a doctor! Who are you to give me meds? You’re trying to kill me with these meds! This kind of suspicion can accompany Alzheimer’s. I’d call the hospice nurse on duty and she/he would explain to Alan why he needed to take the medicines and would stay on the phone with him until he took them. Then Alan would laugh, thank me, and go to sleep.
In his last few years here, Alan would often say, You aren’t here enough when I was at home all the time. Initially, I could leave for 30 minutes or so to go shopping or for a walk (and leave him on his own). At a certain point, I couldn’t leave him anymore because of the stove or the possibility of him wandering off. Sometimes, a friend would come to cover me, and he’d say to them, Where’s Fran? She’s never here!
Whenever Alan would go into anger or rage, I knew he couldn’t help it, and it helped me to understand that my father couldn’t help it either. So, I carry no more animosity toward my father. Only forgiveness and only forgiveness toward Alan for when he was unkind.
Being in the presence of difficult behaviors resulting from the Alzheimer’s was an opportunity for me to practice not reacting. I realized this wasn’t personal, which allowed me to reframe the early trauma and domestic violence I grew up in.
Speaking about some of her supports during these years, Fran began: I worked with Ruah Bull, a Spiritual Director, eight years ago and she was a wonderful support to both Alan and I. She married us in February 2020. She helped Alan to face what was coming. And she supported me through the difficulty of losing my beloved in this way.
During the earlier years of Alan’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis, we met with (then) Director of the Santa Rosa Alzheimer’s Association, Lauren Hibden. She supported me in getting grounded in our new reality. The Association offered a couples group where those with Alzheimer’s met as one group, and their spouses met at the same time in another group.
I also saw a therapist during this time for three or four years and continue to go for therapeutic support as I need.
Through this difficult journey, I discovered a deep well of inner strength. It’s not something I ever imagined myself capable of. For those of you embarking on such a journey, take it one day at a time. There are many resources available for spouses of those with Alzheimer’s Disease. I recommend taking advantage of as many as possible. And don’t forget how to play.
Crash Course in YES
Not only my plate the table overflowed
Overwhelm the rule not the exception clutter
Our house your mind eventually my mind Folks
brought food too much food the table overflowed
Not just food schedules, meds, cards, flowers Care
calendars yours mostly mine when possible Holding
the pen as tightly as my gut, my jaw, held me Placing
one foot, one plan, in front of the other I forgot how
to swallow in the midst of your care Was diagnosed
with a stricture in my esophagus A knot of NO
There was so much to keep track of There was so much
pain to hold to feel to release There was so little time
Earning a PhD in caregiving was not what I wanted to say
YES to when I said YES to you, to us, to our future But love
the love rolled right over my fear of watching you slip away
while fulfilling the assignment as your sole caregiver YES:
all I could say was YES YES to every NO you shouted at me
YES to watching you lose track of your life while I tracked
you YES to your denial of Alzheimer’s YES to stage 4 cancer
(the saddest gift that took you before you forgot us all) YES to
using myself up to the dearth of empathy, gratitude & help from
those who expected nothing less YES to my ensuing resentment
YES to your improvised songs, gibberish & my desire to join in
on the silliness YES to your wild laughter! I bow to YES & its
ability to annihilate any resistance to all that was beyond my control
YES to the blood, incontinence, to your questions about the blood
YES to No More Food to liquid methadone to morphine &
anti-psychotic meds to the mind-numbing cream when you
wouldn’t open your mouth YES to the last time we touched
foreheads YES to your last breaths your orgasmic, birth-like
death to the smile that your skeletal face assumed two hours
after YES to leaving my body for months and just finding it
again YES to finally slowing down to stopping to my own
deep breaths to seeing you everywhere even as I continue
to grieve your loss in new & unexpected ways YES to a blood
moon 49 days after your death YES to not knowing why
Fran Carbonaro
ANNOUNCEMENTS
Mycologist and writer Merlin Sheldrake joins Marshmallow Laser Feast creative director Barney Steel and Emergence Magazine founder Emmanuel Vaughan-Lee in conversation about the mycelial webs that infiltrate and sustain the landscapes we inhabit. Tracing these underground networks, they explore how fungi challenge our traditional conceptions of individuality, intelligence, and life itself.
https://emergencemagazine.org/interview/mycelial-landscapes/?utm_source=Emergence+Magazine&utm_campaign=fe3a5842d5-WildProliferations%E2%80%9420240218&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_73186f6259-fe3a5842d5-42372573
I found this conversation wonderfully good-humored and stimulating as both Merlin and Barney also expand our notions of Western scientific paradigms.
Sounds True founder and director, Tami Simon, presents Thomas Hubl’s gentle approach to recognizing the parts in us that create fragmentation and othering, and how to cultivate our relational parts that can embrace them.
Andrea Gibson, Colorado’s Poet Laureate, introduces and ends the session with two very powerful poems!
A 4-minute podcast by Theadora Block on the Northern Mockingbird and the California Towhee.
DAFFODILS
Each spring daffodils like a secret happiness
are everywhere again as if they did not care
that the world is so messed up
or are depressed by the tragedies of last year
that sent us reeling.
We admonish the bright inquisitive faces.
Don’t you realize you are arriving in a climate
changing world with so many obstacles to survival.
The next day even more daffodils crowd
the edges of fences, careen across a field.
They seem to lack a sense of trepidation.
They assert their rights to belong here.
They are not intimidated by changes in weather
or a hostile environment.
They are the loyal canines of the plant world,
assured that everyone is glad to see them,
like your dog in whose eyes you know
you are loved more than you believe
anyone could.
We have to admit we have longed
to look into the eyes of flowers
to ask how they do it
so free to share with equanimity
their finite beauty
without hesitation.
I am your flower they say
You are my flower they say
We are here for you.
Springtime may just be
humanity’s other
best friend.
Gail Onion
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